This Is It
by Bm89
Summary: Tuckson. Do you really need to know more?
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: This one might hurt a little at first.**

##

He heard about this place from the Lieutenant who took his place in IAB. Off the beaten path, it was never really crowded…a good place to catch a game. Walking in, he's pleased to find this assessment holds true—there are plenty of booths and tables empty, but he doesn't need one of those, slowly making his way toward the bar instead, where he sees a stool is free.

There's a middle-aged guy standing there, just close enough that Ed reasons he might be saving the seat for someone. Ed taps the guy's shoulder. "Anyone sittin' here?"

"Oh, no. All yours," the man smiles and steps aside to give Ed space.

Ed waits patiently for the bartender to drift down to his end, half-heartedly reading the closed-captions on the TV closest to him, pre-game announcers talking about the match-up between the Rangers and Montreal's Canadiens.

"You a hockey fan?"

Ed glances at the man next to him, absent-mindedly flipping a coaster in his hands as he shrugs a shoulder noncommittally. "It's a good way to pass the time between baseball seasons."

"Fair enough," the stranger laughs, and they both turn their attention back to the TV.

A voice comes through on the other side of the guy just as Ed takes a sip of his bourbon and, recognizing it, he barely chokes down his drink, the liquid burning his throat as it nearly goes down the wrong pipe.

"Hey, sorry," she breathes as she sails up next to the stranger. "There's only one stall for the ladies and I had to wait," she offers in explanation. "You ready?"

"Sure, let's go." The guy puts down a few bills and nods to Ed. "Nice talkin' to you, man. Enjoy the game."

It's only then that she notices him.

"Ed," Olivia says, surprised.

He gives her a reserved wave in greeting.

Olivia's companion looks curiously between them. "You two know each other?"

"Um…" She looks like a deer caught in the headlights, her mouth opening and closing though no words come out. She can't process the shock of seeing him here, a place she'd suggested on purpose avoiding all the places she had frequented with him.

As her date looks at her expectantly, Ed jumps in and saves her, offering a maddeningly simple explanation for their relationship.

"Olivia and I go way back."

It throws her for a loop, to hear one of the most important relationships of her adult life seemingly trivialized as a passing years-long acquaintanceship. But she understands; he's giving her the power of what to reveal and when.

"Oh, no kidding? Small world." He holds his hand out to Ed. "Scott McKinney."

Ed politely returns the firm grip. "Ed Tucker."

"You on the force?"

"HNT," Ed confirms curtly. The position he'd taken for her. For them.

"Tough gig," Scott nods, impressed.

"They all are." Ed is dismissive, and he feels bad—the guy seems all right. He just can't do it. It's too much.

"How—" Olivia's voice comes out hoarse when she jumps into the conversation and she swallows, trying again. "Uh, how have you been?"

"Ah, ya know," Ed shrugs. "Hangin' in there… You look good, Liv," he says sincerely.

This time, her voice is nearly a whisper. "So do you."

Their eyes lock, years worth of history up until a few months ago play at warped speed between them, all while Scott stands oblivious, half watching the pre-game show to give her a few minutes to reconnect with what he believes is an old friend.

"Well," Ed shifts, breaking their trance. "I'm sure you've got better places to be—don't let me keep you."

"Right," she nods, swallowing. She gives Scott a half smile and gathers her coat in her arms. "It was good seeing you…"

As she and Scott turn away toward the door, she hears Ed softly say, "Take care of yourself."

The words slice through her, though his tone isn't bitter or angry. She turns to look at him as they navigate toward the exit, hoping to convey with her eyes what she couldn't convey with words during their brief interaction, but her gaze is met with his back as he's already redirected his attention to the TV at the corner of the bar.

The encounter weighs heavily on her the rest of the evening.

##

Soft music plays through the speakers of her apartment as she paces anxiously through her living room a couple hours later.

She'd cut her date short, likely disappointing Scott who seemed to be angling toward an invitation upstairs when they'd landed on her stoop a little bit ago. She'd declined, feigning tiredness and the potential for a long day tomorrow, but really, she'd never quite recovered from seeing Ed.

She'd forgotten how sharp his eyes were, the way his gruff voice seemed to melt her from the inside out.

Tapping her fingertips along the back of her phone, she takes a deep breath and steels herself, finding his contact in her Favorites, amongst her squad and Lucy, and hovering her thumb over his name.

Now or never.

Exhaling harshly, she presses down.

He takes just long enough to answer that she knows he contemplated not answering at all; but she also knows Ed would never ignore her if she reached out—not on the off chance it was something with Noah or she needed help. He's a good man like that.

"Tucker," he answers gruffly.

"Hey," she says, like they still talk all the time. "It's me."

"I know, Liv," he breathes a chuckle and it's so familiar and comforting that her lips twitch in a small smile. "Everything okay?"

The question brings her back down, and she wonders if it's as painful for him to use that nickname now as it is for her to hear it. Suddenly, she's not sure why she called.

"Yeah, look, I don't want to keep you," she starts, rubbing a hand across her forehead. "I just wanted to say I'm sorry about earlier."

On the other end of the phone, she hears him sigh. "Why?" he asks her rhetorically. "You don't owe me anything, Olivia." He's being so calm, his voice sounds so…neutral; tears pool on her lower lashes. "All I've ever wanted was for you and Noah to be happy."

 _We were_ , she wants to scream. But instead, she clears her throat of emotion and hangs her head. "Okay, well, I just wanted to make sure you were okay." Alone in her living room, she throws a hand up in exasperation at herself.

"I'm fine," he says easily. She almost laughs. They've come full circle.

There's a brief awkward pause and she knows he's going to hang up, having let her say what she needed to say. Before he does, she gathers some courage and whispers into the phone, "I, uh…I hope you find your happiness, Tucker."

That's all she ever wanted for him.

…

Six blocks away, Ed presses the red button to disconnect the call, tossing his phone carelessly onto the coffee table as his gaze shifts to a framed photo on his mantle.

Heaving himself out of his worn leather couch, he walks over, picks it up.

It's a photo from Paris.

Ed smirks into the camera while over his shoulder in the background, Olivia helps Noah feed ducks in a park pond. Noah is oblivious to the picture being taken, but Olivia offers the camera a contented smile.

It was the most relaxed he'd ever seen her.

That trip was a dream come true for both of them, but for different reasons, initially. He hadn't known when he asked her to go that it was a lifelong dream of hers to see Paris, and watching her bubble with excitement as plans were made and the dates approached introduced him to a side of her that, between the Eugene debacle and Dodds' death, he hadn't ever seen before. 

It was another layer peeled back; another row of bricks removed from the wall that he'd been patiently dismantling for months.

And then actually _being_ there, actually seeing the City of Lights—the City of Love—for the first time, through her eyes and through Noah's…it was the first time he realized he was in love with her.

But, knowing innately that that was something she wasn't ready to be faced with yet, he didn't tell her.

When he walked out of her apartment that night months ago, he still hadn't told her, knowing their relationship wasn't on the same steady footing it had been. Like the talk of retirement, it would've scared her.

And what made that all worse was seeing her tonight, with someone else, knowing that despite the distance they'd put between them since they parted ways, he still felt it. He still loved her. He always would.

Placing the frame face down on the mantle, he looks out a nearby window overlooking 10th Avenue, still bustling despite the late hour. He replays the last thing she said before he hung up the phone and, though she can't hear him, he answers her.

"I did."

##

 _ **Two weeks later**_

"I ended it with Scott."

He barely has time to register her presence on the other side of his door before the words are tumbling out of her mouth, and it's obvious he's flummoxed.

"Oh," he says simply. "Okay."

"My heart just… wasn't in it," she says, watching him.

He shifts his feet uncomfortably, shoving his hands in the front pockets of his jeans. Exaggeratedly, he shrugs one shoulder as he searches for the right words, not sure of what she wants him to say. "Well—"

She knows he's not going to take the bait; exasperated, she interrupts him. "My heart wasn't in it because it's still _here_ , Ed. With you."

So many words come rushing to his mind, his brain can't organize them into coherent thoughts, and so he stands silent. Struck dumb.

Olivia steps into his space, her hands coming to grip the material of his sweater at his stomach, after a brief hesitation she knows he notices. He's always seen everything.

"I'm sorry, for everything," she whispers, searching his eyes; eyes that are looking at her so curiously. "Tell me I haven't completely fucked this up."

His shoulders rise and fall with the deep breath he takes, and his eyes soften as they look at her, teary brown gaze locked on him. Pleading.

She's vulnerable right now; not the most vulnerable she's ever been in front of him, but it's hard for her nonetheless. He knows it took a lot for her to come here, to say what she'd said, to lay it all out there and hope that too much time hadn't passed, that she hadn't hurt him too much by shutting him out.

He removes his right hand from his pocket, cupping her face, smiling gently when her whole body seems to relax into his touch. She lets out a small whimper of relief.

Olivia's grip tightens on his shirt and her head falls forward as his hand makes its way into her hair. "Hey," he whispers, lifting her head with a finger under her chin. "You never could," he rasps in answer. Softly, he strokes her cheek.

Ed watches as her eyes immediately fill with tears and he wipes away the ones that fall, leaning in and brushing his lips over hers so lightly they barely touch.

All he can think is that he's missed the softness of her lips.

She lets out a soft sigh against his mouth and he opens his eyes to find hers already on him.

"Ed…"

He nods, understanding, and holds onto her tighter. This time when he kisses her, it's not light. It's deep, passionate, maybe even a little aggressive, and Olivia accepts it all enthusiastically. Her mouth opens beneath his, her hands bunching the fabric of his sweater at his hips as she snakes her tongue into his mouth, tasting him thoroughly for the first time in weeks. The familiarity sends a strangled groan from her mouth into his.

Ed tilts his head; deepening the kiss even more and stealing the breath from her mouth as his other hand comes up to grip her neck. For long seconds, only muted groans and the wet sounds of their mouths moving together interrupt the silence.

Finally, needing air, Ed breaks the kiss and leans his forehead against hers, their panting breaths mixing in the air between them.

"D'you wanna come in?"

It feels like such a random thing to say after everything that's taken place in the last few minutes. So much so, it makes her laugh, her body shaking against his. And because her laugh has always been his favorite sound, infectious music to his ears, a grin breaks out on his face and he steps back, pulling her into his apartment and closing the door behind them.

"Drink?"

Olivia shakes her head, dropping her bag near the couch. "No, I'm okay."

They stand awkwardly in his living room, but when he meets her eyes, they are sparkling. Just like they used to.

"We should, uh," he shrugs, "probably talk…?"

"We probably should," she agrees, but neither of them makes any attempt to initiate the needed conversation.

"We can do that later…?" he offers, a question in his inflection.

She nods. "After…"

The implication of her statement sends a shiver down his spine and he steps into her, pushing a strand of hair behind her ear with one hand while the other finds a home on her hip.

"This is it, right?" he asks, searching her warm brown eyes. "Before we do this, Liv, I need to know… I don't know if I can through that again."

The pain of losing her, of being so close to having something perfect and then it slipping through his fingers—it nearly broke him, because when he lost her, it wasn't only her that was suddenly gone. He'd lost Noah, too.

The vulnerability in his eyes shakes her and she realizes the depth of the damage she's done. She's hurt him. She's hurt them both.

"This is it," she says resolutely. "I made a mistake before," she acknowledges. "A big one. And I was stupid for taking so long to realize it."

"You were overwhelmed," he allows.

"Maybe," she admits. "But I should've worked through that with you instead of pushing you away."

They stare at each other silently for a long moment before Ed smirks. "I thought we were gonna wait to talk," he teases, nuzzling her nose with his. He pauses and she watches his eyes grow serious again. "Liv, did you…? With Scott?"

It's not his business to ask. They both know it. But he does, and despite a brief flash of defensiveness he sees in her eyes, she lets him.

And then she surprises him by answering.

"No," she breathes. "How could I?"

The notion isn't an incredible one to fathom. They were over; she was allowed, if that was what she wanted. But the relief he feels knowing that no one has touched her like that since him… It's almost crippling.

Ed lowers his head to hers, closing his eyes and breathing deeply; trying to process that she was here. She was back. He'd be damned if he was ever letting her go again.

"Ed?"

"Hmm?"

Olivia hooks her fingers into the belt loops of his jeans and playfully pulls his hips into hers. Slowly, giving him time to stop her, to say it's too soon, her mouth searches to connect with his, peppering his lips with small kisses before she lets go of his pants to cradle his face in her hands. She meets his eyes with an intense gaze and he already knows what she's going to say.

"Make love to me."

##

 **I'm gonna let y'all decide whether this become a two-parter or it stops here.**


	2. Chapter 2

**Ask and you shall receive. We go up to M here. So, don't read at the gym. Or in a meeting. Or around nosey people who like to look over your shoulder. You know what? Maybe just don't read it.**

##

It's hardly possible that her body has changed dramatically in the time since he's been allowed to touch her, but that doesn't stop him from thoroughly exploring every curve and crevice of her olive skin as she lays bare before him.

Before, there was an urgency that propelled the actions that took them from his living room to the bedroom. A line of clothes now dotted the path they'd taken as they both succumbed to a desperate need to reconnect.

Now, even though there's not an inch of skin that he's not made himself intimately familiar with over the past year and a half, he moves slowly, eager to determine whether licking the skin behind her ear still makes her whimper; whether she's still ticklish behind her knees; whether she tastes the same when beads of sweat pool in the hollow of her throat.

Her body may not have changed, but they have, and he takes it upon himself to rediscover every last one of her spots. He can't help it; not when she's so responsive, gratifying every caress with a needful sigh, her body writhing and arching into his as she tries to retain enough cognitive function to touch him back, to inflict as much pleasure upon him as he is on her.

But then he pins both of her hands above her head with one of his own and she groans wantonly.

Olivia Benson is a woman in control—in life & in bed. Yet, with Ed, she finds the concession of that control just as satisfying, maybe even more so.

He has learned her. He knows just what to do and when, to send her soaring.

Enjoying the tender but passionate manipulation of her body by his fingers, lips and tongue, she relaxes under his grip until, sensing her body slackening from the pleasure, he nips at the sensitive skin of her breast. When her whole body jolts in surprise, she feels his lips curl into a smirk against her heated flesh.

"Ed," she whimpers, eyes falling shut as she feels his responding hum. "Let me touch you."

"Not yet," he husks. He releases her hands, though, migrating down her body and tasting the skin of her stomach with his tongue, dipping the wet muscle into her bellybutton and blowing on it, making her shudder.

"Fuck," she breathes. She shuts her eyes tight when he nudges her legs apart, settling on his stomach between them. Her hands find the back of his head, but it's not to push or pull—just to feel.

Eyeing her up her body, he trails kisses from one hipbone across to the other before moving his lips inward, slowing his already glacial pace.

Ed pauses, just long enough to make her open her eyes and look down at him, her chest heaving as she pants, overcome with desire.

Their eyes lock and he lowers his lips to the top of her sex, just over her clit, which throbs almost painfully for attention. Pulling back, Ed smirks when her hips lift from the bed, searching for his mouth.

"Ed," she gasps. "I can't…"

"What do you need?" he asks innocently, kissing the tops of her thighs as his fingers trail lightly over her lower legs and the insides of her knees.

Olivia throws her head back into the pillows, gulping in air before pulling Ed up by his shoulders, her fingers struggling to find purchase with the sheen of sweat that covers his reddened skin.

"With you," she huffs dazedly as his body settles over her once again. "I wanna do this together." She reaches between them, wrapping her hand around his length and Ed gasps at the contact, his body trembling with barely restrained arousal. Olivia smirks when his head drops to her shoulder, glad to have the upper hand again, and continues to stroke him expertly.

"You okay?" she whispers, pressing her lips to his ear and lightly biting the lobe.

Panting, Ed nods against her. "Feels so good," he grunts.

Olivia hums, smiling when he lifts his head to meet her eyes.

It's like no time has passed at all, and yet, they are both keenly aware of what it took to get here. She had to lose him to realize that what they had was what she'd been waiting for her whole life.

He had to let her go to get her back.

"You ready?" he asks her, pressing a lingering kiss to her lips.

She just nods, widening her legs to accommodate and bracing herself for his entrance. Her fingers clench against his sides and she groans, feeling him fill her again, wondering how she ever could've thought, even for a second, that they weren't meant to be together, that she could be without him once she'd known what it was like—not just this physical part, but the emotional as well.

"Okay?" Ed breathes, nuzzling her cheek as he held himself stationary above her.

"Never better." She swallows, shifting her legs around him as her breaths come more quickly. "But I'm gonna need you to move. Now."

Blissfully, she has to wait only seconds before he does, and she can't keep her eyes open against the onslaught of sensations that attack her body with every thrust he makes into her.

"Oh," she whimpers, biting her lip and tossing her head from side to side as he easily finds a particularly erogenous spot inside her.

"Yeah?" he pants.

Olivia nods wordlessly, smiling at him briefly before her face contorts in pleasure again.

It's perfect, she's perfect, and he keeps his eyes on her the whole time, savoring the chance he never thought he'd get again to be with her like this. When she comes, her inner muscles clenching so tightly around him he can't move, her back arches into him and a strangled cry rips ferociously from her throat, her hips continuing their movement practically of their own accord as she rides out her orgasm and coaxes him into his.

Moments later, he lays on top of her, spent. His face is tucked into her neck and her arms wrapped securely around him, sweat acting as glue holding their bodies together in all the places where skin meets skin.

"I missed that," she whispers.

"Mm," he hums in agreement. "You are somethin' else."

"Yours." Olivia smiles, running her fingertips through the short hairs at the back of his neck. "I'm yours," she says softly, "if you'll still have me."

Ed hears the trepidation in her voice and lifts himself to meet her eyes, resting his weight on his forearms. "I thought we covered this. I'm not goin' anywhere."

"I know that," she concedes. "But still. I hurt you."

"We've both made mistakes," he says, brushing his fingers through the matted hair at her temple. "Those are in the past." He kisses her neck before sliding his lips along her collarbone. "Now, we have the future to look forward to."

"The future," she repeats wistfully, arching to give his mouth more room to maneuver across her skin once again.

The word conjures visions of times and places beyond this moment, of the two of them making a life together with Noah, and she feels the sting of tears at how happy her son will be to have his Tuck back after all this time.

Then, somehow anticipating her next thought, he stops, sliding back up to her body until they're nose to nose, his bright blue eyes poring over her face.

"You have to get home, don't you?"

Putting a hand on his bicep, she cranes her neck to the side to see the clock on his bedside table. _7:40._

She turns back to face him, her hand sliding up his shoulder to pull him down to meet her lips. "If we hurry," she murmurs against his mouth, "we can get back to my place before Lucy puts him down." She kisses him again, and just hearing her refer to them as _we_ is enough to make his heart swell. At her next statement, it nearly bursts. "I know a little boy who's going to be very happy to see you."

"I missed him, Liv," Ed replies softly. He smiles, but she can see the emotion in his eyes.

"He's missed you, too," she says, running her hands down his back to rest at his hips. "So, go get some clothes together for a couple days," her voice carries a suggestive lilt as she squeezes his sides, "And we'll go back to my place."

"And then?"

She smiles at him, tracing his bottom lip with the tip of her thumb. "And then…we figure the rest out as we go. Together."

##

 **If you're reading this, you're not very good at following directions. I appreciate rebels. Reviews are nice, too.**


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